Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Who Was I To Garrett While Here?

I was driving home from the hospital with Garrett after running a few Christmas shopping errands and getting lunch, and I had the most interesting, yet scary thought.

Who will I be to Garrett when we are in Heaven? I know I will be his mom, but I think back about the time we have shared here, the frustrations, lost-tempers, not-knowing how to best deal with his mental challenges, lack of bowel control, relationships and on and on. And I wonder what he will say to me when he sees me there for the first time, in the rest of eternity. Will he run to me and throw his arms around me and be happy to see me? Will he approach me as a dog who has been mistreated by a human and needs to learn to trust again? Will he need to talk it out and be able to tell me how he REALLY felt here on Earth, in words I can understand and relate to? Will he be angry that I was not patient always? Will he be thankful I fought tooth and nail for him? Will he say he wishes I spent more one on one time with him....or less. What will my job approval rating be? Will he want to know me? Will he shy away never to be close to me?

And no, I have not gone off the cliff yet. I was just thinking, and Garrett was quiet, and there was no phone call, and I started thinking.....

I guess I should think about every relationship this same way. But with Garrett it is different. With all of the interference in his little head that disrupts his very own sanity, and much less ours, who will he be? Will he be "healed or normal," or the same as now. I honestly look forward to meeting him in a time and place where we better understand each other. But wait, I have time now to leave nothing on the court, nothing on the table, take it all, take it all in, use the time I have, and love this kid.

In the end, which is actually the beginning, continued for longer than I can ever imagine, I want to have no more regrets. I want Garrett to know he is valued, appreciated, adored, and worth every bead of sweat, drop of tears, and intense emotion I have ever and will ever have. I want him to know he is loved.

Godspeed,
Clara-Leigh

2 comments:

  1. I love your musings. Our desire to be known - fully known runs deep. No doubt Garrett's love will be mature (made perfect) and will not hinge on any efforts made by you. I think God's thumbprint on your heart is pretty evident, here. Beautiful.

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  2. Oh my what a heartfelt and wonderful post. I feel like this, too. It's so scary not knowing how our little ones will remember us! I want to have no more regrets, too! Thank you for sharing! My "profile" below is limited so, just so you know, this is Kristi from http://www.findingninee.com. I'm so glad I found your site and Godspeed back! <3

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