Worst Nightmare Ever

Two mornings ago I had a nightmare. I rarely have nightmares, and when I do, they are all disjointed and don't make a ton of sense, but this was the most real and terrifying one I have ever had.

In my nightmare, I was in a hotel room and my dad and Grouchy were there but had stepped out of the room through a sliding glass door onto a balcony. I noticed Garrett walk out in their direction, but then I realized I did not hear him or see him for a while. I got that "mommy intuition" that I should ask if my dad or Grouchy knew his whereabouts, so I asked them if they had seen him. Both guys seemed unconcerned and one of them said that he must be somewhere nearby. And it hit me...HOTEL POOL!!! Somehow I instantly arrived at the HUGE hotel pool, and there he was in the very middle of the pool lying on his side at the bottom of the pool in a white t-shirt and his navy blue swim trunks with white stripes on the side. While there were a few people on the pool deck, no one seemed to notice my baby boy at the bottom of the pool!!! I sprinted to the pool and dove in and swam as fast as I could. Interesting thing here is that usually with a dream this vivid and now this horrifying, I usually wake up about this time.....when it gets terribly real and bad. But that didn't happen, unfortunately. I snatched Garrett off of the bottom of the pool and was on the pool deck very quickly. His body was completely limp and very cool. He was not the 42 inches tall and 40 pounds in the dream. He looked it, but he didn't feel like it. I got out with him and began to try to pound him on the back to get him to cough up water. I have had CPR and all, but in the dream that was not all working right for some reason. I placed him in front of me in a standing pose with his back to me and tried to do the Heimleich Maneuver, but nothing happened. I know, rescue breaths and chest compressions, not Heimleich, but it's a dream...... I finally placed him on his back and began chest compressions and still nothing. I felt a couple of ribs snap and then knew I was doing the compressions hard enough...that's what they say when they teach it....that usually you break ribs.....but still nothing. Then I moved him to another place around the pool and there were two ladies sitting on the edge of the pool with their feet dangling into the pool, not noticing us, but talking about the little boy who drowned in the pool earlier that day. I kept pumping on my precious boy's chest and asked them what kid it was. They still didn't notice what I was doing but said that it was a little blonde boy in blue trunks and his mom tried to save him but he died. And then I realized that if he didn't make it and they knew that, then I was working hard to save him, but all in vain. The future was set and I could not change it. THEN I woke up. I looked at my watch and it was 5:00 a.m. Then I began to pray and tried to calm myself down as I wake in the moment I realized Garrett was dead. Within a minute, I heard the pidder-patter, bump-bump of his little feet coming towards our room across the hardwood floor. I got up to go sweep him up into my arms, and he had snuck over to his little portable DVD player and was starting a movie with the volume down very low. It was still dark, but the blue glow of the DVD player screen made his sweet face look so amazing. I was so thankful he was up way too early. I just wanted to touch him, kiss him, and know he was okay. I was so blessed to wake from this nightmare to hold my boy and realize it WAS just a dream......a really, really, really, really bad one.

So do dreams mean anything or not? I think they are our brains letting go of "stuff" and mixing up things in a state of relaxation and rest. But I do think our dreams can show hints of things we harbor or hide or stifle way down deep. I believe this dream spewed my fear of losing Garrett but the reality of the possibility that his future isn't super promising. It showed the out of control feelings I have so often. It exhibited the fear I have of not paying enough attention to my son for both his safety and his learning and future. But most of all was the helplessness, the out of control feelings.

Just tonight at a local arcade, laser tag, go cart, party place where we met a friend for her birthday, I had another mom talk to me about her son. He is three and nonverbal and nonsocial. I told her Garrett was also nonverbal at age three. I just listened after that, and she shared that she went to this play place every night and paid $3 ever night to let him unwind and play so he would sleep. She said he never stood still, was in therapies, had sensory problems.....sounds familiar, huh??? She said she was always exhausted and wanted to know why her son had to be like this. She asks God WHY often and feels helpless. Gosh could I identify. After she shared and I shared Garrett's delays, she thanked me because she felt encouraged to see how kind and social and verbal Garrett is now at age six. Interesting how we have encounters with others in our same situation, ahead or behind us. I think God is helping us all by making these connections.

Wow, not a cheery post, but that's the stuff of my mind tonight. We had a fun time at the arcade place, we bought new ropes for both of the girls for their Working Ranch Horse project, and we enjoyed some shopping (and new, granola, comfy shoes for me on sale!!!) at Sierra Trading Post in Meridian. Tomorrow Grouchy heads to Louisiana again to harvest a few hundred more acres of soybeans. I miss my combine, and I have to say I am jealous!!

Tomorrow, we have school in the morning, piano, guitar and violin lessons after that, then my sweet friend Andrea who does lots of Garrett's developmental therapy, will go with the kiddos and me to an indoor trampoline park to celebrate Ainslee's 9th birthday. Some dear homeschool friends will meet us there. Then to the airport to get Grouchy's truck since he has to fly out very, very early!! Next, it's off to get Addie and Ainslee some comfy winter shoes and then to Ainslee's gymnastics class. Andrea is rescuing me by taking Garrett back to our house so he doesn't have to wait around in the car for gymnastics to end. THANK YOU ANDREA!!!!

Tonight I put my head on my pillow and enter an hour or so of prayer. Most of it will be thankfulness, and then there is that reality of my shortcomings I need to get out, and then prayers for our family and so many others. Most of all, I pray we are getting it somewhat right in this life. It is short, and I don't want to waste any of it!!!!

Godspeed,
Clara-Leigh