"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees......"
I was enjoying having the windows open and the high desert breeze gently rolling through our home, and I turned on our surround sound with the Direct TV bluegrass music channel on, and it was quite relaxing and, well, calming and NORMAL!!!!
And then an old song came on with the line I quoted above. How it hit home with me today!! And it needs to hit home more often and be truer in walk on this planet.
Sundays are especially hard lately. We attend, and plan to go ahead and join, a great church in our valley. The children are thriving in the programs there, and we are meeting a new church family that is blowing us away with their compassion, kindness and love. So blessed. And I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE our Sunday School class that just happens to be taught by a fellow Southerner, although I question his authenticity since he is from South Carolina....isn't that REALLY close to the NORTH???? When we are reading from the Bible and come to difficult to pronounce, he reminds us, "It's okay, just call those people Bubba1, Bubba 2, Bubba 3.....and so on. We'll all understand!" Either way, his wisdom and teaching and good humor are refreshing, and again, those people in our class.....we are so blessed as we are every time we move and God leads us to a church home. But this past Sunday was especially heavy. I believe it is because I am fighting things so much right now. I need to "let go and let God" as many say. But I continue to wrestle. I am done asking WHY. I tried that and nothing ever came to me except one message to "be more patient." WHY doesn't help anything. I didn't do anything "wrong" for us to be facing challenges. Shoot, lots of people with much more baggage than me endure less, and many endure more. I don't believe God slaps us with burdens based on our walk. And I know Satan only can mess with our minds, so maybe that's my problem. I am not on my knees enough, and when I pass into our church, I am on my knees....or my heart is, and it is finally in the right place, but the week of fighting has me worn down to a puddle of a human. And I leave a tired human. Monday feels great.....mainly because three days of having Garrett home are past...isn't that terrible!!???? I even had sitters most of the weekend!!! GOD LOVE OUR SITTERS!!!!!!! But Garrett gets on the bus, we get home school done....except a migraine had me this morning. I digress. Bottom line is I need to heed the words of the song and just stay on my knees!!! Life for those who believe in Christ is eternal, and this is temporary pain, frustration, suffering. Someday I will know my precious son free of his challenges and in physical perfection, I hope. I will get to know the thoughts behind that killer smile and hypnotic blue eyes. I will have a real conversation that doesn't include him saying "poop," "stupid," or "shut-up." I will see his upper body strong and muscular instead of hanging on his bones. He will hopefully then be able to understand my love and my adoration for him as well. And maybe he will let me snuggle with him again......dreamy! And it is coming!!!
On a light note, tonight Garrett knew it was getting dark and said he needed to do his work because, "Mommy, I am a farmer and you are a cowgirl." His work entails driving his little battery powered John Deere lawn tractor back and forth over and over and over across where he and Oscar have been preparing the ground for a garden using the big tractor and our neighbor's disc. Garrett stands between Oscar's legs on the tractor and steers most of the time, and they "get work done." So he is a farmer now, officially, it seems. And I am a cowgirl. I have always wanted to be a cowgirl, a real one, and by George, if Garrett says I am one, then I am!! The end!!!!
Godspeed,
Clara-Leigh
That's the cutest little farmer I have ever seen!! I can TOTALLY relate to your Sundays. It seems i am bumping along fine with no tears and the minute i get to church, the waterworks open. I sit through the service trying to QUIT crying, which, for me, is so often God's way of softening me. Sometimes I leave so frustrated that I didn't hear the sermon because I was trying so hard to quit crying, and then I realize that God shared with me my very own, personal sermon.
ReplyDeleteI love reading about how you're "working it out". I appreciate your "realness"...it's inspiring and so very rare these days.
Have a great day!
Love,
Jeannie
I just cannot say it as well as Jeannie did, and so I won't try. Dad told me at dinner tonite that he can't wait to get out there with you all. I'm so sad ---yesterday a train passed by and, as is custom, Dad said, "There goes a choo choo train." But then he corrected himself, "No," he explained, "Garrett told me," ' Pop, it's not a choo choo, it's an engine with cars!'" Do they have to grow up, Lord? Loved the talk, too. Nite, nite, Mom
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